January.....I will be glad when it's February.

January is such a hard month.  All the parties, and celebrations are over.  It's Winter....so brrr freezing cold.  It feels dark and dreary.  I don't know if it feels like this to me because I have anxiety or what, but it just does.  Some or most of us have Christmas on Credits cards that need to be paid off.  We have taxes hanging over our heads.  I have tried to make the most of it and keep myself busy and enjoy life.  The thing that makes January so hard for me mainly is today Jan 31st. was the day my Dad decided to take his own life.  It breaks my heart.  So not only do I have all that other stuff looming over my head, I have this looming as well.  It has been 4 years now since my Dad died.  I really struggle with it all year long in spurts, but it is especially hard on the day that he died.
On the 31st. all the memories of that day come flooding back into my life.  It is the worst to have to be told that your Dad died over the phone, and told that it was heart failure.  It's not a lie, but I knew there was more to it.  My Dad was a very healthy man, and very energetic.  I knew he had been very stressed by certain things in life.  When I was finally able to talk to my Mom and my little brother Quinn I was told that we would talk about it when I got there.  So it was confirmed that it wasn't just heart failure but something much worse.
The drive was the worst.  I lived 12-13 hrs. away from my parents.  My siblings all lived within 2 or 3 hrs away from them.  I wanted to be there with my family to just hug and sob with them.  I have the most awesomest best friend in the whole world.  Without pausing to think said that she would take my baby Maddie and fly home to Utah with her, so I wouldn't have to stress over her and the issues that we were having with her.   I don't think Brittnie will ever know how much that meant to me.  Such a selfless act indeed!  I hope I can one day do something so selfless in return for her.
Having my suspicions confirmed was the worst.  I can remember my heart just sinking to the bottom of my stomach and sobbing.  Sleeping in the bed with my Mom was hard.  I think we both just sobbed most of the night.  I don't even think I slept.  Seeing my Dad dead, planning the funeral, having the funeral, was so hard.  Then actually having to go back to real life just sucked.  I was so worried about my Mom, and it was so hard being far away from her.  You get my point it's just HARD to lose a loved one.
This past year has been hard.  My Mom decided that she wanted to start dating again. So She took down all of the pictures of my Dad except for the one of our big family picture.  I sobbed when she told me.  It is hard when I go and  clean her house, and my dad's pictures aren't there.  It was nice to be able to talk to his picture in each room that I cleaned.  I know that sounds stupid, but it helped. 
Yesterday was hard.  My family got together at my MOm's house for dinner to celebrate my brother Chris's birthday, and my nephew Sam's birthday.  My Mom invited one of the men she has been seeing.  Nothing serious, he just wanted to meet our family.  It was hard to see my Mom with another man though.  I will not give my Mom a hard time.  I want her to be happy and not lonely.  I just want her to take it slow, and make a good choice.  I know that she will.  This man was really nice, but it was still hard!  You can tell he really likes my Mom, and that makes me happy.  He's not my Dad though. My Dad is irreplacable.
Anyways I just had to get all of this off my chest and out of my head.  I didn't sleep well last night, my stomach was cramping up, and my brain would not shut off.  I could not get comfortable.  I kept dreaming about this man my mom is seeing, my Dad and today.  I will be happy when January is over, and I can move on and deal!
I love you Dad! I miss you Dad!  I know that you miss us.  I know that this is hard for you too.  We will always think about you and cherish your memories!  Nobody can ever replace you.  Thanks for the things you have taught us.  I know that you are watching over us, and that makes me so VERY HAPPY!!!  Love you Dad!  Until we meet again!!!

P.S. to those that care:  The only reasons i'm greatful for January is that my Brother Chris was born, and good friends that were born as well!