Funk

I have been in such a funk.  Everything started to just go crazy when my sister moved.  I've been trying so hard to get out of this funk.  Everything bothers me, i'm sad, depressed, angry.  I think it all stems down to where we are living.  I love my house, and I love my friends here, but it just isn't enough right now.  The street and neighborhood that I live on is little Latino Town.  Not being racist!  There isn't a lot of kids for my girls to play with.  They are either in junior high, or the kids are Hispanic and the parents don't speak English.  The only neighbor that has a kid maddie's age are the neighbors next door.  They have a little boy named Rowen, but they won't let him come over to our house to play.  Very rarely do my girls get to go over there.  I think they have been invited to play over in the backyard twice.  I always say hello, and ask them how they are doing, but that's as far as it goes.  My friends all live on other streets, so it's not like my kiddos can just walk a couple houses down.  Also a lot of the homes have been foreclosed on, and have been vacant.  I'm praying that some good people will move in with kids my kids ages.
Another problem is that our ward is tiny, so tiny that it really should be considered a branch.  Our ward is really struggling right now.  It seems like everyone is burned out and just giving up.I have felt like giving up and saying i'm done.  We have 3 families that are moving.this June.  It's really going to hurt our ward more, it worries me.  Again hopefully some big families will move in.  There is a lot of older people who are set in there ways, and they just aren't that friendly.  The younger people are great, but there just isn't a lot of us.  We just all need to band together and help each other out.  I have started to wonder if we should move too. I would like to have more kids, and more active people in our ward.  I feel like my kids are deprived because they haven't grown up in a ward like the one I grew up in.  The ward I grew up in was very active, caring, just plain awesome, I have so many good memories.  No other ward has ever been as good as that ward, and I don't think their ever will be.
Earlier this week I had a meeting to go too.  I was just recently called as a visiting teaching district supervisor.  I hate the word visiting teaching.  It makes me feel guilty.  I used to be a dang good visiting teacher, but it's been hard here.  I don't like to be counted as a number, and it felt like every time I did go visiting teaching that that's all the person who I was visiting felt.  The relief society presidency has redone visiting teaching companions, and who they will be visiting.  Earlier this year our ward had an enrichment activity that was centered around visiting teaching.  The cultural hall was all set up according to how our neighborhoods looked on a map.  The chairs had our addresses on them.  We were instructed to sit where our house was.  It was very lonely where I was sitting. I was the only one on my street who came.  There was 1 other person from the street behind us.  All of the other streets had about 5 people.  We were then instructed to look at the map and figure out who should visit who on our streets.  It was tough!  The other lady from the street behind me and I had to do all of the planning for our streets which would be a district.  We worked really hard and felt like what we arranged  was right.
The relief society presidency has felt that it would be easier to do visiting teaching by streets instead of being so spread out.  It's easier to see what is going on on the street you live on.  Get to know them and see their needs.  It's not about a lesson, but truly caring about that person and what they need.  Getting to know your neighbors.
So going back to the meeting.  The relief society presidency and the bishopric prayed about the changes the sisters had made, and that is how our visiting teaching is.  There are 3 districts in out ward.  As a district supervisor I'm in charge of calling and seeing if people have done their visiting teaching, and getting any other information about what people are needing and letting the presidency know.  I'm scared out of my mind, worried that I might mess something up, plus I hate being on the phone.  Throughout the meeting though I felt that I would be okay(still scared though) and that I could do this.  I know that this calling will be good for me.  I actually started to tear up at the end of the meeting because I know that everything we talked about is right.  We aren't required to give a lesson.  All that is needed is that we get to know these sisters and care about them.  See to their needs.  I hope and pray that this helps our ward.
During the meeting we were asked what we want in a visiting teacher.  I said well home visits are good unless i'm busy then a phone call would be okay.  Also just someone who cares.  They asked me if I felt like I was cared about by prior visiting teachers.  I didn't know what to say because I have never had any visiting teachers come to my house.  They told me it was okay to say no that I didn't feel cared about.  So I said no I don't feel like i'm cared about by visiting teachers.  Now I have friends in the ward that have helped me and made me felt cared about.  I didn't say that, and was wishing that I had.
I sent a text to Jody the relief society president that night thanking her for such a good meeting, and told her that I did feel cared about by some people in the ward.  I told her that I was ready for people to start caring again.  She replied back thanking me and saying that she thinks people care they just don't go out of their way to show it.  I agree with her. She said that with the Lord's help we can see miracles happen.  I know she is right.  I know that miracles happen.  Our ward needs some miracles, and i'm ready for them to happen.  I love this new relief society presidency.  They have done some good changes.  I let Jody know this.  She was happy to hear that!
I also got a chance to talk to my friend Gail who is in the presidency the next day.  We talked for over an hr.  I told her the same thing I told Jody.  I wanted to let her know that same thing about me not feeling cared about by visiting teachers, but feeling cared about by friends.  She is my friend and she has helped me out and been a real blessing in my life along with Jacoy, Nicole, Becca, Beth.  They are wonderful friends.  We have decided that we need to have some neighborhood bar b q's and just talk and have some fun this summer.  I have missed doing these.  We used to have Bar B Q's all the time when we were in the military living in California.  I have really let these kinds of things slide since moving back to Utah.
I was able to call and talk to my best friend in the whole world Brittnie earlier this week as well.  She is like a sister to me.  I love and miss her so much.   We were connected at the hip and did just about everything together.  She always makes me feel better about myself and about things in general.  She was able to make me feel better about the way I have been feeling about everything.
I have also been so stressed about getting this trip to Illinois planned.  We have already spent a lot of money on getting ready for this trip, and we still haven't even gone.  We had to replace both sets of brakes, and the shocks and struts.  It makes me mad because our car is a newer car.  It's either a 2007 or 2009.  I'm stressed that gas prices are going to shoot up, i'm stressed that our car is going to die on the side of the road.  All of these things keep plaguing my mind.  I need to just stop worrying so much.  I need a shirt that says just relax already. I really am excited to go on this trip, it just needs to get here already.  We leave in just a couple of weeks.
I"m tired of Matt working the graveyard shift.  So very tired of it.  I'm tired of hearing about the people that he is working with.  Matt is capable of so much more.  He doesn't need to be a doctor or making tons of money.  You aren't stretching your mind when doing security work.  I want him to go back to school and get his bachelors degree.  It would open more doors for him.  I can't make him do anything though, he has to want it.  He is looking and putting in applications though, so that's a good start.
 I have had some experiences lately of not listening to the spirit.  I'm kicking myself for not.  I could have avoided the feelings and worry that I've been having if I would have listened.  I need to be better about recognizing the spirit.  I have been down on myself for not recognizing the spirit and lot's of other things. Feeling like I don't measure up with other people, and not feeling like I'm good enough.  Then I start to feel envious.  On Sunday in Sacrament meeting I felt like all of the talks and lessons were directed towards me.  Not in a bad way.  I was a sobbing mess during sacrament meeting and trying to hide it.  Had to have Matt go and get me some tissues.  The people that I think are perfect are not perfect.  I'm not perfect.  The Lord knows this.  Just do the best that I can.  I need to find some good hobbies, and develop more talents.  I need to quit worrying about things that happened in the past and move on.  I need to focus on the present and the future.  If I want things to change, it needs to start with me.
I have poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father in prayer.  I know with his help and If I have faith, if i'm in tune with the spirit, I will be guided, prompted to things I should go, do, and say.  I love my Heavenly Father, my Savior Jesus Christ, my family, and my friends, and I know they love me!  I do care about people, and I want them to know that I care about them.  So sorry that this post has been so jumbled up, down and negative, it's just the way I have been feeling.  Thanks for reading!.