I think this is pretty accurate! Way to funny!!!
Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.
Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.
Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.
Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
11 step program for those thinking of having kids
You know your from Utah......
How does he know us so well????
FORGET REDNECKS; THIS IS WHAT JEFF FOXWORTHY HAD TO SAY ABOUT UTAHNS!
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Utah.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Utah
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number, you live in Utah.
If 'vacation' means going anywhere south of Salt Lake City for the weekend, you live in Utah.
If you measure distance in hours, you live in Utah.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Utah.
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' and back again in the same day, you live in Utah.
If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked, you live in Utah.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Utah.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Utah.
If the speed limit on the highway is 75 mph -- you're going 80, and everyone is still passing you, you live in Utah.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Utah.
My favorite one:
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you live in Utah.
If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly' you live in Utah.
If you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends, you live in Utah.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Kenzie Lou Who, & Maddie Moo Who
Today is Mckenzie's Class Christmas party. They are doing a whoville party. They were invited to wear the colors red and green. Well I took it a couple steps further and pulled her hair up like a who's hair. Then Matt tied the red and green ribbons around her prettys and culed them with scissors. McKenzie was so excited, and from what matt said she was the only one that had her hair done like that! Yay, We were Creative, so unlike me! LOL So where does Madisynn fit in this picture you ask? Well she saw how Kenzie's hair was done and immediatly wanted her hair done the same way. She had to look like big sister of course! So I told her I would do it when I got home from doing my crossing. She was so excited!
So here are some pictures of my little Who's. I think they look like who's so pixie like. What do you think?
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Hair Hair Glorious Hair!!!
This past Friday November 5th the girls and I went to get our hair cut. Mckenzie has been begging me since the end of August to cut her hair like her cousin Emilie. Madisynn's hair has been driving me nuts, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to cut it really short. Her hair is so beautiful long, and so is McKenzie's. McKenzie it was a sold deal to cut her's short, but for the past month or so, i've put lot's of thought into it for Madisynn getting hers cut short. You see Madisynn has been putting her hair in her mouth, she constantly twirls it, and she and I are both on edge when she is getting her hair brushed getting all the snarls. So all of these things were what sealed the deal to get a short A line bob hair cut! Oh I'm so glad we did it! They are both so stinking cute with their new cuts!
McKenzie:
Madisynn:
I love how shiny their hair is! I love how skinny their little necks are! I love how stylish they look! Madisynn looks even more pixie like to me now. It has been fun the past couple of days watching them. They swing their hair back and forth, and they have constantly been looking in the mirror when one is around. It's hilarious, even more so when we were in the salon with all of the mirrors around. =)
My haircut, not much change, I'm happy with it though. It's been since The middle of August since my last haircut. I feel much better now, so light and free!
Me:
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Halloween 2010
Ride to a witch started out with getting on a seated trailor pulled by an old fashioned truck. It took us to the out to the outskirts of Gardner village to where the witches lived Criket Hollow Swamp. When we got to the witch's village we were taken on a tour. The first part was a look into their house. The witch that showed us around was Matilda. She talked about what they ate: Tounge, Fingers, eyeballs, all the many gross things that you can think of. The kids got a kick out of it. They also had a real pet tarantula which they called lucky 7. Can you guess why they called it Lucky 7? Because it only had 7 legs of course!
The next witch Brazilla showed us their garden. Which was rotting of course. She then took us to where witch's like to relax. Can you guess what they like to do to relax? Well in a mud bath, mixed with vomit of course! Yuck. The kids thought that was gross! But what else would you expect of a witch? They do some gross things! They had a fake witch in a tub and they let the kids paint her toenails, it was really cute.
The next and last witch was Itsy Bitsy. She had the kiddos make a stew. They added cockroaches, fingers, eyeballs. She also had the kids take a cockroach and bury it in the graveyard. Would you like to know how to bury a cockroach? Well hear goes. Itsy Bitsy said first dig a hole, put the cockroach in, cover it up real good, spit on it, then stomp your foot on it. Lovely! It was hilarious to see these kids do this!
That was the end of the tour and our ride was back to pick us up and take us back. The girls really enjoyed themselves. I tried to get more pictures, but the camera was acting up. I'm happy with the ones we got.
When we got back we walked around to see the witch's display and go into the shops. The girls had so much more fun this year than last year. I think it was because it was so cold last year when we went. One of the shops we went into was a jewelry bead store. They had a deal on ribbon necklaces. They had several different colors, and you could pick your own bead to go on it. So of course the girls chose the purple one with a huge purple bead to go on it. It was about $1.50 for each of them. Totally worth it! Then it was time to head back home, it was fun family night!
The girls with one of the witch's on display:
We decided to carve pumpkins for family night the week of Halloween. It was a good activity to help take our minds off of my Grandma Zollinger who died early Monday morning. We invited my Mom to come help us carve. She is the master carver! Growing up my Mom always had great ideas to carve our pumpkins. Fun times. So my Mom came and helped us carve. I think it was good for her. She hadn't carved a pumpkin in about 3 years. So I cleaned out my pumpkin, helped Kenzie, and Maddie with theirs and cleaned out 1 other pumpkin. McKenzie poked the holed in her pumpkin all by herself, and I helped maddie do hers. Then Matt carved them. My hand was killing me by the end of poking holes in Maddie's pumpkin. Wow!
Here are our pumpkins:
My Mom:
This year for Halloween McKenzie was Super Girl, and Madisynn was Ariel. Super Girl totally fit McKenzie's look and personality. She is totally into the super hero's. Ariel was a super fit to Madisynn as well. Maddie wanted to be Ariel last year, but none of the costumes fit her. We were going to dye her hair red, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I love her blond hair. Anyways they were so excited to dressup! They would ask me everyday if it was Halloween yet and if they could dress up in their costumes. Both girls had a blast dressing up in their costumes for thier school class parties!
This Year Halloween was so different and I will always remember it. So my Grandmas funeral was Saturday October 30th in Logan Utah. In Utah if Halloween falls on a Sunday they celebrate it the day before for religeous purposes for the LDS Church since most of Utah is LDS. Saturday was an extremely busy day we went to the funeral viewing, funeral, cemetary, and funeral lunchean. We also went and visited with my Grandma Kotter since she lives in Logan.
We knew that we would be gone all day, and we were. Our church ward was having a trunk or treat that night. I wasn't sure of when it started, but I thought I heard 5 p.m. which is too early. I brought the girls costumes to put on just in case we were rushed. Well we were rushed and we still didn't have time to change into costume. It was raining in Logan when we left and we just wanted to get home. I wanted to make it home for the trunk or treat because I didn't want to have to go around the neirborhood with just me and the girls. Matt had to work, so he didn't come to the funeral. I drove fast, but safe. It had stopped raining on the way home, but when I was about 3 miles from the I-215 exit it started pouring buckets. I could barely see, I had to slow down real quick. I'm so glad I didn't hydroplane and wreck. It was scary.
So i'm thinking in my head when this is happening that if it's going to be like this I don't want to go out in it. I didn't want to let my girls down though. Before going to the trunk or treat I had to feel up with gas because I was on empty. It's amazing that I made it as far as I did. I was running on fumes! Anyways after filling up with gas i told the girls that we would go to the church and see if the trunk or treat was still going on. It was 6:15 when we pulled up.
We were in luck it was still going on. So I parked and hurried and pulled out the girls costumes and put them on them. Oh yeah they asked if they could switch costumes earlier that day. I had no problem with it, since they both already had their turn wearing their costume. So I put the costumes over the girls church dresses, put their coats on, grabbed the candy I was going to pass out, and started going around to the cars that were still there.
Along the way I gave each kid I passed a handful of candy. We got soaked, but we had fun, and the girls got a good amount of candy. Not too much, and not too little, just the perfect amount! I'm glad we got there when we did. One of my friends that was their said the Trunk or treat started at 5:30. They said that there wasn't very many cars there at that time, so they went around to the cars that were their and left. Then they drove by either at 5:45 or 6:00, and saw that their was a lot more cars there. So yes we got their at a good time!
The girls didn't want to come back home though they wanted to go around the neirborhood. I had to tell them no. We were going to go to my Mom's house and hang out there for awhile. My brother Chris who was in town for the funeral was staying at my Mom's house. Also my little brother Quinn was there as well. So I took the girls home took pictures of them all soaking wet. We only had about 10 trick or treaters come to our house this year too. Luckily I had a candy jar that I could pass candy out from since I had passed out everything that I had bought. Got the girls cleaned up and fed and let them put their costumes on over their pajamas so they could show my Mom when we got to her house. Went to her house and had a blast! The girls pigged out on candy, I actually controlled myself. We also watched How to train your dragon. So love that show, it is so cute! It was an exhausting day, sad, and fun. Is that really possible? Like I said I will never forget this Halloween.
McKenzie and Madisynn in their costumes. I can't believe I forgot to take pictures of Maddie in her Ariel costume the day of her class party. I do know that her teacher took a picture with her in it at the party though, I just don't know when I will get a copy of it. When i do I will post it.
The Passing of Mary Zollinger my Grandmother
Mary McKnight Zollinger (1920 - 2010)
Visit Guest Book
LOGAN, Utah - Mary McKnight Zollinger, 89, passed away Monday, Oct. 25, 2010, after a valiant fight. She was born Dec.. 12, 1920, the fifth of nine children, to Joseph McKnight and Gertrude Spackman McKnight in Lewiston, Utah. She married her sweetheart, Chester Lawrence Zollinger, on June 4, 1943, in the Logan LDS Temple. They raised two sons and four daughters on their cattle and mink ranch in Providence, Utah, where she worked side by side with her loving husband. They taught their children the value of hard work and the invaluable lessons of integrity, honesty, charity and service to others. Mary and Chester loved to travel and led many tours to locations all over the world.
She was a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and a devoted servant of the Lord. She served two wonderful missions with her sweetheart, one to Haifa, Israel, and one to the Laie LDS Temple visitor's center in Hawaii. She was a registered nurse and worked in various hospitals and doctor's offices throughout her life. She held many church callings, her favorite was teaching the Blazers in Primary. She also served as choir director for the singing mothers for many years, and taught the gospel doctrine class.
She was a talented seamstress, making many dresses for each of her daughters. She loved to knit, and made booties for all her grandchildren and great grandchildren. She made beautiful needlepoint items, framing some for display, and made beautiful doilies using her crocheting skills. Many friends and relatives were recipients of her beautiful handwork. She was an outstanding quilter, and gave quilts to each child and grandchild for their weddings.
She is survived by five of her children: Judy Low (Richard) Plain City, Mary Ann Clark (Derald) Logan, Ellen Brown (Eric) Greensboro, Ga., Alice Kotter, West Valley City, Mark (Sally) South Jordan; and two sisters, Roma Hemsley, Pocatello, Idaho, and Pat Barson, Meridian, Idaho. She has 20 grandchildren and 43 great grandchildren with one more on the way. Mary was preceded in death by her husband, Chester L. Zollinger, her oldest son, Chester Dee, a son-in-law Van Kotter, and a great grandson, Curt Zollinger Kotter.
Friends and relatives may pay their respects at the Allen-Hall Mortuary, 34 East Center Street in Logan on Friday evening from 6:30 to 8 p.m., and 10 to 10:45 a.m. on Saturday. Funeral services will be held at 11 a.m. Saturday, Oct. 30 at the Allen-Hall Mortuary. Condolences and thoughts may be expressed to the family online at http://www.allenmortuaries.net/.
The family wishes to express their thanks and appreciation to the loving caregivers and aides at the Legacy House in Logan, and to the Access Hospice staff. In lieu of flowers, the family requests that donations be made to the Perpetual Education Fund. Published in Logan Herald Journal from October 28 to November 11, 2010
My Grandma Zollinger passed away on October 25th. It's a good thing, she has been suffering for years, and i'm glad she doesn't have to suffer anymore. A couple of weeks before she died we learned that she was really going downhill. She didn't want the grandkids to see her like she was, and she wasn't able to talk on the phone very well. I was feeling guilty because I hadn't visited with her in awhile. I decided that i would write her a letter letting her know how much I loved her, and shared with her the greatest memories I had with her. I'm so glad I did this, it makes me feel a whole lot better. My Mom said she really enjoyed it.
The funeral went really well. My Mom's side of the family are strong people and they inspire me so much. I'm greatful for the things they had to say about my Grandma. I know she is in a better place and loving it! It's great for those that pass on, but it is so darn sucky for those left behind.
When we arrived at the Providence cemetary and come too my Grandmas resting spot something was missing. There was dirt piled onto tarps, and plywood across the hole. No Vault, no pretty green astro turf stuff, no covered tent, or comfy chairs. We were all this is tacky and wrong. The people from the funeral home quickly started making some phone calls, to see what was going on. Also in the mean time they decided to pull my Grandma's coffin out along with the flowers and dedicate her grave. So we did this then they loaded her back into the herse and took her back to the funeral home.
We went to the lunchean which was different from any other funeral lunchean I've ever been too. They had it catered and instead of the usual funeral potatoes, ham, roll, and salads, they had sandwiches, and wraps, and pasta salads. Apple cider, and water, and several different desserts. It was very yummy. During the lunchean the funeral home calls and said that they got things figured out and that they were ready to take my Grandma back to the cemetary. This was at the end of the lunchean, so my Mom and her siblings went back to make sure things went ok.
The hardest part of all this now is that my mom feels like an orphan now. I just feel so bad for her no husband, and now no parents. I'm so glad we are so close that we can keep her company.
This picture was the last time we saw my Grandma Zollinger. It happens to have been the day my Grandpa Kotter was buried. I'm so glad we were able to visit her this one last time. Thanks to my Sister in-law Sarah for having her camera and thinking to take a picture before we left.
In this picture: Madisynn, McKenzie, McKell, Gabe, Grandma Zollinger. Such a cute picture!
We Love you Grandma Z! We will miss you! We will see you on the other side!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
All I want for Christmas is my 2 front teeth!
So McKenzie lost her first 2 teeth within a week of each other. Of course I wasn't there when she lost the first one. I was at Bunco. Matt almost forgot to tell me. He remembered right as we were going to bed. What a stinker! Anyways he said that Mckenzie was just wiggling her tooth and then she just pulled it out herself. Crazy! She did the same with her 2nd tooth. I was home that time, but I was on a really important phone call. I didn't know that it had happened until I came out of my room a little while after it had happened.
Going back to the first tooth. We got a dollar bill, the tooth fairy was feeling really generous and was excited that this had happened. We went into McKenzie's room to put it under her pillow. I couldn't find the tooth! I didn't want to wake her up. Matt and I were taking off her blankets, and moving her arms. We found the tooth in it's little baggy right under her. I'm so glad she stayed asleep! In the morning she was so excited that the tooth fairy had come, she was waving that $1 bill all over the place! On her 2nd tooth we made sure to tell her over and over to leave her tooth under the pillow. She listened the 2nd time, and she was just as excited! She got .75 cents for her 2nd tooth. I love seeing her without her front 2 teeth, she is so stinking cute! She has a lisp now too, it cracks me up! She also has 2 more lose on top, and her bottom 2 front teeth as well. She is going to look so funny! I can't believe my little girl is growing up so fast.
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