Going private

I decided to make my blog private, because I decided their is just some things I didn't want everyone to read.  I felt like I couldn't really write what was on my mind.  I think that is pretty sad.  This is my journal, I should be able to feel like I can write whatever I am feeling and not feel bad about it.  Another reason why I chose to make my blog private was I'm trying to move on in my life.  Let go of the past.  It's been very difficult for me.

I had a really close friend from our days at Travis AFB in California, when Matt was in the military.  Her name is Heather Bryant.  We are no longer friends, and we probably never will be friends again in this lifetime.  Heather was the first friend I made when we moved to California.  I had noticed her right off  because she was pregnant.  After a few Sundays of going to church I wanted to talk to her, but I was scared.  Making friends has always been difficult for me.  I am an introvert, and it's just way out of my comfort zone to start talking to people I don't know.

I can't remember if it was in Relief Society on a Sunday, or at a Relief Society activity where we happened to just be in the same group.  It was probably an activity.  Anyways we started talking, and I found out that she was very close to having her 3rd child, and  that her husband was deployed.  I don't remember anything else about it, but I felt like we clicked.  I remember thinking she would be fun to get to know better.  I was lonely, and needed a friend.

I think it was the next week when she called me up and asked me if I would watch her 2 kids Maddalin and Billy while she went to her OB appointment.  I told her I could and she dropped off her kiddos.  After that day we became fast friends.  We started talking more, and hanging out more.  I helped her a lot with her kids and so did Matt.  He helped do things that her husband Adam would have done if he had been home.  We got so close that her kids well Billy started calling Matt Dad.  We always corrected him when that happend.

Anyways we did almost everything together for about 2 years.  She was even in the delivery room helping Matt and I when I gave birh to McKenzie.  She threw me an awesome baby shower right before.  She spoiled me.  She was my soul sister.  I would do anything for her.  Then back in 2009 I read a post on myspace, or facebook, can't remember which one saying that they were leaving the church.  My stomach dropped.  I can't remember the exact reason that they decided to leave, I just know it had something to do with Joseph Smith.  Adam was asked to speak in Church and they assinged him a certain topic.  He researched it and talked to heather and they decided to leave the church over it.  I don't even want to know the exact reason, because I know that the Church is true no matter what.  I don't want to have any questions in my mind about it at all.  That's probably why I didn't read or listen as closely as I should have.

So when I read her post about leaving the church I called her up to see what had happened.  That I would support her decision, and love them no matter what.  She was relieved to hear that.  Then that night when I went to bed I couldn't sleep.  I was worried about the decision Heather and Adam had made to leave the Church.  I had to do something to see if I could change their mind.  So bright and early I sent an email with my testimony.  It didn't go well.  We started having less to do with each other.  I think that I would have kept up on it more, but 2009 was the year that I had set a goal to lose all of my weight.

I was so focused on exercising and eating right that I didn't really talk to her.  It wasn't until after I had reached my goal weight that I read a post on her facebook page about her giving away her temple clothes and how she should do it.  I commented on it saying that she could mail them to me and I would take care of them for her, so she wouldn't have to worry.  She didn't reply back.  Then shorly after I went to check up on her and I was no longer friends with her on facebook.  I thought it was odd and a mistake.  I instantly sent her a friend request, and an email .  She ignored the friend request and email right away.  I felt like someone had punched me in the gut and knocked the wind out of me.  It hurt bad, real bad.

I shed a lot of tears over heather and her family for a few months.  I even had my Brother Quinn give me a blessing.  I was told to focus on the people that were in my life now.  That was hard to do.  I hold on to the past.  I have sent a few emails over the past couple of years.  Telling her that I was sorry, that I hoped they were well, thanking her for her friendship and all that she had done for me, wishing her a happy birthday, and merry Christmas.  Not once did I ever get a reply back.  There was a punch to the gut each time I wrote.  I would shed a lot of tears each time too.  The hardest part is that we have the same friends on facebook.  She will comment here and there, and each time I see it I feel like my heart is being ripped out of  my chest.  Another hard thing is that she reads my blog, and has my blog linked to her blog.  How I know this is I had live feed jet and I could tell when she visited my blog.  Then I would click on the link on the feed jet to her blog and start reading.  My blog was on her blog.  Again my heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest each time I saw that she had visited my blog, and then me going to hers and reading what was going on in her life and that I wasn't a part of it.

I was getting sick of it.  Something had to change.  I wasn't sure if I was ready to move forward quite yet.  It wasn't until Matt did something, and I found out something from my friend Allyson. First Matt sent Adam a friend request on facebook.  Adam accepted it.  Matt was thrilled that he had.  He told me right away when adam had accepted it.  I said hey maybe you should try adding Heather again.  She shouldn't have any beef with you.  So Matt did. This same day Allyson came to our house with her daughter Peyton to have a play date.  I found out that she was pregnant and about 3 months along.  I knew that this wasn't what Allyson wanted.  Her youngest is Peyton, and she is Maddie's age.  almost 7.  She was done having kids.  We talked about this for awhile.  Right now Allyson's family is living in the basement of  her husbands parents house.  It is cramped.  They have nothing for a baby.  She just started doing energy work.  She was worried about where they would be living, how she would still do sessions with a baby, and a lot of other things.

The next morning was when I found out that Heather had denied Matt's friend request, saying she didn't know him.  Because she did that it blocked Matt from being able to add friends for a week or so.  It really made him feel bad.  She really shouldn't have any problems with Matt.  He didn't do anything or say anything to her trying to get her to change her mind about leaving the church.  I was mad.  I knew that I was done, and it was time to let it go and move on.  I found a quote this same day that really helped me realize it even more.

I am excited to share the things I no longer love or need with people who will love or need them more.
- Cheryl Richarson
I had gotten rid of all of our baby stuff a couple of months ago.  The only thing we had left was the nice port a crib that Heather had given us at McKenzie's baby shower.  I was holding on to it because it was the only physical connection I had left with her.  It wasn't doing me any good keeping a hold of it.  I had this idea pop into my head that I should give it to Allyson.  They had nothing for their baby, they were just going to put the baby in a laundry basket to sleep.  I didn't want them doing that when we had this nice port a crib sitting here not being used.  I talked to Matt and told him my idea.  I told him that it wouldn't mean that we were done having kids because we had gotten rid of everything.  He was good with what I had to say and agreed that we should give the crib to Allyson.

I spent the next day cleaning it and getting ready to give to her at gymnastics that night.  I was so excited to give it to her, and see her reaction, and to move on in my life away from Heather.   I had posted the above quote on facebook and said that I had a friend that could use something that I had that I no longer loved or needed.  After gymnastics I told Allyson that I had something in my car for her.  She perked right up and said "oh am I the friend?!"  I laughed, and said so you saw the post then!  She was so grateful when I gave it to her.  I told her that I was trying to move on and away from Heather.  I told her that the crib was the last thing really connecting me to her.  Allyson has heard about Heather before so she knew who I was talking about.  She asked me if I wanted the crib back when she was done with it.  I teared up and said no.  I'm done. I'm tired of worrying about if we will ever be friends again, worrying about her and her family. Trying so hard to be connected.  I'm done.  It felt good to say that.

That night I made my blog private.  Heather has no connection to me, and I have none to her.  I don't know her blog address so I'm not tempted to go and look.  If we are meant to be in each other's lives as friends again it will happen when it is time.  Not holding my breath.  I'm just happy to move on and be free.