Yesterday

Yesterday wasn't the best of days.  I wasn't ready to go out in the cold to cross, and I wasn't really wanting to see or work with Lisa.  Lisa is one of my crossing partners.  I have had a really hard time with her over the past couple of years of crossing with her.  I have tried so hard to get along with her, not be bothered by her.  I have tried talking to her, saying hi, and bye, waving.  I'm done with it all.  I have had it with her.  She drives me CRAZY!  She has snubbed me too many times when I have said hi, or bye or waved.  She didn't say or do anything.  I don't trust her as far as I could throw her.  She has already lied right to my face.  She treats me like i'm incompetent.  It's awful.  I feel like she is always judging me on how I cross.  She makes a big deal about everything.  She acts like she is superior.  I do not like her telling me what to do, and making me feel stupid.  I want to reply back saying ok Mom.  I really should the next time she tells me that I shouldn't do whatever it is that I'm doing.  I follow the rules, and i'm fully capable of crossing a kid by myself across the street.  I'm a crossing guard for crying out loud! It's not that difficult.  I pay attention.  I'm not stupid!

Anyways right off the bat she got me boiling.  She starts talking to April, my other crossing partner about what she did over the weekend.  That was no problem, more power to her.  Then she comes over to show her pictures.  Again no problem.  The thing that got me boiling was that she totally excluded me from the whole conversation.  Treated me like I wasn't even there.  It was rude.  I felt so uncomfortable and stupid.  I didn't know what to do.  If it was anybody else I would have tried to get in on the conversation.  I didn't feel comfortable doing that with Lisa.  I didn't know how to handle it.  I wondered if I should stand there looking stupid, or walk away and go sit in the car feeling stupid.  I couldn't think.  So I did just stand there looking stupid.

I hate being in that kind of situation.  It has happened all too many times.  Feeling excluded, and not good enough, or important enough are not good feelings to have.  Then all throughout the rest of the crossing everytime I had to look at her, or hear her fake voice, I wanted to punch her. I couldn't wait for crossing to get done.  When it was time to go I just quickly got my stuff and walked back to my van.  I said bye to April and left.  I came home feeling angry.  I cried.  I was dreading afternoon crossing.

When I got to afternoon crossing I got my light turned on and cone set up.  I didn't have to interact with Lisa.  I didn't know what would happen if I had too.  Then right before crossing starts April asked me if I was alright.  She said I seemed sad.  I couldn't hold it in.  I lost it and told her everything.  How I felt about everything.  She said she could tell that something was wrong that morning at crossing, and wondered if it had something to do with when Lisa came over.  Then when Maddie hadn't shown up yet with the mainstream of kids.  I had to cross the street to Lisa's side to walk towards the school to see if Maddie was on her way. Lisa was sitting in her SUV.  Her windows were down.  She asked me what was wrong.  I just quickly said getting Maddie as I kept walking.  I found Maddie down the sidewalk around the corner feeding the chickens through the fence.

I got her, held her hand and walked back to the crosswalk.  Lisa didn't say anything.  I didn't look at her.  I was talking to Maddie.  That wasn't awkard  at all. Not! I hate doing that.  I didn't want to say anything that I would regret.  At the end of crossing I left.  When I got home April text me and said Lisa had just text her to see if I was ok.  Why I was so off, and sad the whole day.  April told me that she didn't know what to say that she said just life.  I thought that was a good answer.  I replied saying thanks for not telling her, and saying what she said.  I also said if Lisa really cared or wanted to know she would call or text me herself.  I feel that is true.

I am so tired of walking on eggshells with her.  When she has gone through hard times I have always text her to say that I was around if she needed anything.  The worst part is whenever I did text her she would reply back saying who is this?  That hurts a lot.  Wouldn't you think that you would have all of your crossing partners that you work with now in your phone?  I'm tired of her always making such a big deal if she is even close to being late, late or not in full uniform.  I always tell her it's not a big deal that's why we have 3 guards here.  We help each other out, and don't turn each other in.  We are supposed to have each other's backs.  I don't feel like she has our back at all.  She will tattle, and has done so already this year, and in past years to other guards.

I found a quote right before this situation happened:
Who in your life drives you crazy?  Do they elicit negative feelings in you?  Cut to the chace: Spend less time or let them go? - Loretta Laroche
Well said. I'm taking that advice.  I can't completely get Lisa out of my life because I work with her.  I deleted her off of my phone, my facebook.  I don't have to talk to her unless it is necessary.

This morning crossing went better.  I didn't talk to Lisa, I really didn't look at her.  I did my job how I felt comfortable doing it.  We will see how this afternoon goes, and the rest of the crossing school year.  Hoping it goes well.