April facebook happenings

April 1, 2013:

Happy April Fools' Day. There's an old saying that God protects babies and fools. So do something silly today. If nothing else, it will lift your spirits and improve your mood. - Christiane Northrup

I love this! What silly thing should I do today?

April 2, 2013:

For the Drama Queen or King within us:
Life is not a stress rehearsal. So why practice making daily life a drama when you could create a musical or a comedy? - Loretta Laroche

Eating pizza and watching The Lord of the rings two towers with the family. The girls have never seen it before. They are totally into it, especially Kenzie. They love smeagol! It was very fun to watch their reactions.

April 3, 2013:

In addition to showing gratitude to others, place emphasis on showing gratitude to yourself. - Doreen Virtue

it is so important to show gratitude for yourself. It does feel more fulfilling to have someone tell you why they are grateful for you or something that you have done. Quit waiting around for others to show you gratitude and be thankful for yourself and for what you do! Pat yourself on the back, and give yourself credit.

April 4, 2013:

I am excited to share the things I no longer love or need with people who will love or need them more. - Cheryl Richardson

I am so glad I came across this quote. I have been holding onto something from the past for a long time. I didn't want to get rid of it because the person that gave it to me was a big part of my life, and I loved it, and needed it when she gave it to me. We haven't been a part of each other’s lives for a few years now. I don't think we will ever be a part of each other’s lives again...well at least not in this life anyway. I'm tired of holding onto the past and having it consume me bringing up feelings of sadness, guilt, regret. I'm tired of holding onto to those feelings. I'm letting go of these feelings now. I'm happy to give this item as a surprise gift to a friend that definitely needs it more than me. I know that she will love it!

April 5, 2013:

Feel Abundant
Feeling abundant surpasses the money in your bank account and transcends what others may think of you. Genuinely feeling abundant and successful is possible when you detach yourself from the things you desire and allow them to flow to you - and through you. - Wayne W. Dyer

Well said Wayne Dyer! I'm working on detaching myself from those things that I desire and allowing them to flow to me. Quick I need a hobby!

April 6, 2013:

Happy Conference weekend! I'm so ready to hear some uplifting messages. I Love conference!

April 7, 2013:

I really enjoyed the talks from conference yesterday. Really looking forward to hearing from our Prophet Thomas S. Monsen, and from President Uchtdorf today.

"The best is yet to come" is a great phrase to live by, but the best might also be here, right now. If you live for later, you might totally miss now. -Loretta Laroche
Don't miss now!

This conference has been so uplifting and inspiring for me. I want to try harder in my marriage to be a good wife. I want to try harder to be a better mom to teach my children. I want to try harder and believe and have faith. I want to try harder in all that I do.

April 8, 2013:

Spring break is over. It was so nice to have a week off! It is back to the grind once again. 2 months of school and crossings to do and then we are done! Hallelujah! Oh what a beautiful morning!

Happiness is always possible- the only thing that really holds you back is your mind. You have probably noticed that the happiest times in your life are when you are not thinking. It's a wonderful thing to stand outside your ego, to surrender to the flow, and to participate fully in a hobby, in nature, in meditation, in prayer, in art, in dance, in sport, and in the movement. - Robert Holden

I have noticed this to be true! I always feel so much happier when I'm doing something that I enjoy. Doing something that allows me not to sit and think, worry about all problems going on in my life. It's nice to be up and moving at my pace, in my comfort.

April 9, 2013:

Women are incredibly adept at a martial art called “tongue fu." So when you decide to engage in an argument with a female, keep in mind that you're no match for someone who can take you down with loquacious license. - Loretta Laroche

Yep this is so true!

Dear Husband,

Thank you for fixing the shower head! I love how it works now. You think I haven't noticed, but I have. I have been meaning to tell you for a couple of weeks now, but our schedules are so different. Thank you for all that you do!

Love Your Wife

April 10, 2013:

I forgive myself, and then I move on.
You can sit there forever lamenting about how bad you've been, feeling guilty until you die, and not one tiny slice of that guilt will do anything to change a single thing in the past. - Wayne W. Dyer

It is so important to forgive yourself. Also I just wanted to add and say that I'm so glad to have the Atonement in my life. I can repent, let go of that guilt, and move on happily with my life having love and forgiveness from Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Let go of the past.

April 11, 2013:

Take a moment and choose carefully:

The stress of change is merely energy being redirected toward good. Hang on.
- Cheryl Richardson
I have to keep reminding myself that good things come from change.

Well in your face temptation. I beat you, and I exercised! I'm so glad that's over for the day. I feel so much better!

April 12, 2013:

Just focus and keep aiming:

People who follow their joy discover a depth of creativity and talent that inspires the world. - Robert Holden
I have really been noticing this a lot lately with a few people around me. It's been fun to watch and cheer them on! Deep down I really do want to do something that inspires the world. What are my joys, and passions, and talents? Something to think about....

See those tiny branches growing on the trunk?  Those are called suckers.  They divert nutrients for optimal tree growth. 

As I continued my walk I reflected on all the suckers in my own life…the things that divert energy for an optimal life.

Here’s just a partial list of what came to mind:

§  Compulsively checking emails, Facebook and texts

§  Trying to make everything okay for everyone

§  Fear that I’m not leading people effectively

§  Criticizing myself for my looks, how I parent, how I don’t have a garden this year…

§  Worrying…about anything.  

§  Taking phone calls when it isn’t convenient for me to stop what I am doing

§  Clutter

§  Doubting myself

§  Wanting things to be different than they are

You know what?  It’s time to prune the suckers!!!! –Dr. Deb Kern

 

Wow would you look at that? My list of life suckers matches hers exactly. I would love to prune the suckers!

Ha-ha I wish:

Mowed my yard, and weeded the front flower bed. It feels so good to get that out of the way! We're going to eat Little Caesars Pizza and crazy bread, while watching The Odd Life of Timothy Green to celebrate the girls getting good grades on their report cards. Good job Kenzie and Maddie! Oh and for dessert brownies with cream cheese frosting. Yummy!!!

 

April 14, 2013:

The stress of change is merely energy being redirected toward good. Hang on. 
- Cheryl Richardson
I don't need to fear change, good things come from change.

I wish we could have General Conference every week. I just like the idea of being spiritually edified while being comfortable in my own home.

 

I love this:

April 15, 2013:

 

We spend a lot more time exercising our bodies than we do exercising our brains. What good are tight abs if we have a flabby brain? Keep your mind pumped by learning new things, doing puzzles, reading, or mastering a new language. Its sweat free, and you don't have to take a shower afterward.
- Loretta Laroche
I want tight abs and a tight brain!

 

Sending love to Boston:

I loved how she put this:
May angels descend on Boston to create miracles for all those who need them. 
-Cheryl Richardson
Angels are there and miracles are happening.

April 16, 2013:

If you want to find your true purpose in life, know this for certain: your purpose will only be found in service to others, and in being connected to something far greater than your body/mind ego. - Wayne W. Dyer
Service is great! It makes me feel great, and at peace. =)

April 17, 2013:

Did anybody else have the same problem I had of wanting to smash your alarm clock in? I seriously wanted to smash it! I always start to feel this way towards the end of the school year.

Life is like a buffet. Indulge in everything it has to offer, and sample little tastes of all that's wonderful. - Loretta Laroche
I'm going to indulge!

 

This is so true:

Put Your Ass Where Your Heart Wants To Be.  – Written By Steven Pressfield

If you wanna get strong, go to the gym.  If you wanna get fast, go to the track.  If you wanna get rich, go to (I’ve never figured that one out).  The point is: where the body goes, the spirit follows.  Therefore, move thy butt.  Put your ass where your heart wants to be.  If you want to paint, don’t agonize, don’t ikonize, don’t self-hypnotize.  Shut up and get into the studio.  Once your physical envelope is standing before the easel, your heart and mind will follow.  If you want to write, plant your backside in front of the typewriter.  Don’t get up from the chair, no matter how many brilliantly-plausible reasons your Resistance-churning brain presents to you.  Sooner or later your fingers will settle onto the keys.  Not long after that, I promise, the goddess will slip invisibly but powerfully into the room.  That’s the trick there’s nothing more to it.

Where the body goes, the spirit follows. Therefore, move thy butt. Put your ass where your heart wants to be. -Steven Pressfield

 

Holy Mother! It's so cold outside. I went to go pick up McKenzie's jacket at a friend’s house. I instantly regretted getting out of my car. It was like that scene in Groundhog Day when Bill Murray gets into the shower and instantly jumps right back out because it is so freaking cold. It looks like I’m going to be wearing my snow pants to crossing. Oh warmer weather where art thou? Come on seventies, high sixties, even high fifties. No more of this 40 degree crap. I know 40 is better than 20 degree. Anything is better than that!

I feel accomplished today! It’s time to kick back, and relax for a bit.

April 18, 2013:

I really love this!  Reading is so important.

Happy Birthday to my Dad! He would have been 63 today. I hope he knows how much we love and miss him. I'm glad that I know that we will see him again someday.

 April 19, 2013:

I tossed and turned last night trying to get to sleep. Matt, my dear sweet husband texted me at 1:30 in the morning asking if I was still awake. I could have chosen not to answer him back, but I did because I am a worry wart. Nothing serious thank goodness, all he needed was the bank routing number so that his disability money would go into our main bank account. Good for him for being on top of it and taking care of it. Just wish it hadn't been at 1:30. I didn't get to sleep until about 2:30. The funny thing is I came across this quote yesterday:
If you can't get to sleep, don't toss and turn and wonder why you can't. The more you try to figure it out, the less likely you are to actually fall asleep. Get up and do something to distract yourself. You'll soon feel yourself getting drowsy.
- Loretta Laroche
I could kick myself for not taking that advice. I told Matt about it, and he just laughed and said see I was just trying to help you! I replied saying I didn't want to get out of my nice warm comfy cozy bed and have lights on. Next time I'll read or something. There really is no point in tossing and turning. Plus I was a little ornery this morning. I was tired, it was cold and gray, and I didn't want to be at crossing. I was one of those crazy people talking to themselves while going and turning on my light this morning. Thinking negative things, and then I just had enough I told Satan to shut up and get off of my back and to leave me alone along with all of his little followers. I felt better after saying that! I think I will tell him that more often.

April 20, 2013:

Happy Birthday to my Two Little Sweet Pea M&M'S McKenzie and Madisynn! You fill my life with joy, and I love being your Mom. I can't believe I have a 9 and a 7 year old. Where has the time gone? I don't have toddlers anymore; they have gotten so big and independent!

 April 21, 2013:

Be consistently aware of the need to serve God, and serve others in any and all of your actions. That is the way of the miracle worker. - Wayne W. Dyer

we can all be miracle workers. I am a miracle worker.

April 22, 2013:

April 23, 2013:

You choose your thoughts, and you choose your future. Right now, in this moment you can choose to create a different future. The choices you make here and now are what shape your fate and destiny. One new perception, one new belief, one new affirmation is all it takes to begin to experience your world differently.
- Robert Holden
Choose wisely!

April 24, 2013:

Wish we could create the perfect teacher for each of our kids.  I’m having a little bit of anxiety as I'm filling out the placement information forms for both of the girls for next year. I want them to have fun experiences, actually learn, and not be yelled at.

I remember my 2nd grade teacher. She was awful. She was a yeller; she didn't care if she made you cry. There was this one time we had all of the second graders come into our classroom to watch reading rainbow. The lights were off, the show had started, and I was quietly whistling along with the opening song music. My teacher starts yelling who is whistling? Stupid me I slowly raised my hand. She yelled at me to go stand out in the hall. I was so embarrassed. I cried out in the hall as she yelled at me there. I can't remember everything past that point. She might have had me even stand out there during the whole show.

I am not a trouble maker. I think that the fact that I was even whistling was awesome. I was excited to watch reading rainbow and I liked the music. I think that I really struggled with being in her classroom the rest of the year. I also think that's part of the reason why I struggled with school. My Mom has told me several times that she really regrets not moving me into another classroom.

April 25, 2013:

April 26, 2013:

 

April 27, 2013:

Don't become obsessive about anything! It will only make you feel like a dart that's always trying to hit the bull's - eye. - Loretta Laroche

I am a shining star and I surround myself with people who encourage my brightness. - Cheryl Richardson

It is ok to shine. I am shining.

 

April 29, 2013:

Are you the sort of person who lights up a room when you walk in, or when you walk out? - Robert Holden
this is a very good question. I hope I am a person who lights up a room when I walk in. I would feel pretty bad if the room lit up after I walked out.

All is well again. We have peanut butter in the house again! Hooray!!!

 April 30, 2013:

This is so sad, but true:

What are you doing TODAY to get out of your safe harbor?

Today is another chance to remember what is really important. "Dear God, please help me Not get distracted again. Thank you Amen." - Robert Holden

I've got to quit getting distracted on things that don't matter. I've got to remember to focus on the things that are important.

 Mom knows all:

Planet Play

Last Friday Matt and I decided to take advantage of our pass of all passes.  One of the places you can use them at is Planet Play.  You pay $1 for each person and you get unlimited times to play Mini Bowling, Glow In The Dark Mini Golf, Go Carts, and Laser Tag.  The girls had no idea that we were going until I got home from crossing.  "I came in and said who is ready to go?"  The girls were like what?  It was funny!  Matt told them to eat a snack, go to the bathroom, and then we would leave.

We got to Planet Play at about 2:30.  It was perfect, not very crowded at all.  The girls wanted to do the Go Carts first, but they weren't open to do until 3:15.  We decided to go play Mini Bowling.  We had some issues with getting our balls, and getting everyone on the screen to play.  I think someone went to complain about it to the front desk and they sent someone to come out and help.  Once we got everything figured out and running smoothly, it was fun.  I really like Mini Bowling a whole lot more than regular bowling.  The first game we played without the bumpers.  Madisynn was funny to watch. She was all over the place with that little ball.  It ended in the gutter almost every time.  McKenzie did really well.  I was shocked!  She got a couple of strikes, and she beat me.  The second game we pulled up the bumpers.  Maddie did a little better with them, but still managed to get gutter balls.  Poor thing!  Matt won both times.  I came close to beating him the second game.

The next thing we did was go wait in line to do the Go Carts.  McKenzie was barely tall enough to drive her own car.  Maddie was not tall enough so she got to ride with me.  She was kind of bummed about that.  I told her maybe she would be tall enough next year, and that made her feel better.  Maddie and I got to drive before Matt and Kenzie.  We had to wait for the first round a single drivers before it was our turn.  When it was our turn we pulled out around the track and lined up on the gray start and finish line.  We were told the rules and then the race started.  Maddie and I came in 3rd place!  She was excited, and so was I.  It was fun!

Next to drive was the group that Matt and Kenzie were in.  The single driver group.  I was kind of worried about how well Kenzie would handle it.  She was first in line to go out on the track and Matt followed her.  Matt pulled in front of McKenzie so she could follow him to where they needed to start.  She handled that well.  Then they were told the rules and they were off.  Matt was in the lead, McKenzie was last.  I could tell she was scared. She was really timid about going fast and going around the turns.  She was in the middle of the track and people were trying to pass her.  She just kept going her pace and she finished just fine.  I'm glad that she tried!  I gave her a big hug and said good job when she came to the gate to come out.  She was smiling.

We took a bathroom break, and then went to play Mini Golf.  We got our golf clubs, and balls, and went onto the course.  I think it was only 8 holes.  The game started out nice.  The girls have no idea really how to play.  Madisynn was holding her golf club backwards and just swinging.  McKenzie was holding it right, but just swinging.  NO aiming.  I wasn't hitting the ball hard enough.  Matt was doing awesome.  We got about half way through, and then 3 boys came in.  No adult with them.  I was really hoping that they wouldn't cause any problems.

My hopes were shattered when they started playing on the hole we were at.  It is so rude!  Matt nicely, but firmly asked them to wait until we were done with the hole before playing.  It frustrated me a lot.  We got done with the hole and moved along.  Then the boys did it again.  I can't remember if Matt said something or if it was me.  They kind of backed off.  Then when It was my turn again, I hit the ball a little to hard and it went off the course just as the boys walked past on the side of the course.  One of the boys kicked it a little. He didn't mean to.  I was annoyed at myself for hitting it to hard, and annoyed at the boys for walking by.  I couldn't get mad at them.  They didn't come on the course.  I couldn't find my ball, and that really annoyed me, especially since it was supposed to be glowing in the dark.  Matt eventually found it for me, and that made me feel better.  We finished the hole and moved on.

We had caught up with the people that were in front of us, and so we had to wait.  We were polite, and we told the girls to stay off the hole that they were on until they were finished.  When it was our turn the boys came onto our hole again, and started golfing, messing up our game.  I lost it.  I went over and made it clear to stop.  I said "can't you see we are in the middle of playing? Stop it now, and wait your turn.  Show respect."  They were like sorry.  I was mad, and fuming.  I felt bad, for getting after them. but it needed to happen especially after we had already asked them twice to stop.  We would have let the boys go in front of us, but somebody was already in front of us with the same number of people as our group.  They just need to learn respect and patience.

The thing that I have the hardest time with at places like this, is that parents just drop off their kids and let them have at it.  I think it's very important to have parental supervision.  I would never let just drop my kids off and let them have at it.  It's so disrespectful to the workers, and other people there, especially if the kids haven't really been taught to wait, and share, and so on.  The boys eventually just went to the end of the course and got a bunch of balls and started hitting them into the very last hole.  When we came to the last hole they had just finished with the group of balls they had and were going to get more.  I'm glad that we could finish the game without them right by us.

Next we went to play Laser Tag.  I got separated from Matt and the girls because their wasn't enough vests to be on the red team.  I was on the blue team.  I kind of felt stupid.  It was funny though because Matt was the leader of the red team full of little girls.  McKenzie was the oldest on the team.  The other 3 were about Maddie's age.  Matt was guarding their goal, while the little girls were running around wild.  I really had no clue of what I was doing.  I just kept shooting at Matt, and the girls.  I think that I even shot some of my team mates on accident.  Whoops!  Needless to say the blue team crushed the red team.  Nothing to brag about though because I really had nothing to do with it.  I think Kenzie got a higher shooting score than me. LOL  Oh well, it was fun!

The girls wanted to do the Go Carts again.  McKenzie didn't want to drive, but she wanted to ride with me.  We were able to get on right away.  We were able to race against Matt, and a couple of other cars. Matt won, and I think I came in second.  The girls wanted to do it again.  Kenzie rode with Matt, and Maddie came with me.  We got a crappy car that had no power.  I had my gas pedal to the floor of the car and it was still going slow. Matt and 1 other guy lapped me, that's how awful the car was.  I was kind of embarrassed, and frustrated, that people were frustrated with me for being in the way.  I had to let it go, it wasn't my fault the car sucked, and I was in a race after all.  I came in dead last, Matt came in first.

Then it was time to go.  The girls were upset that they didn't get to play any arcade games.  We said it wasn't included, so we won't be playing.  We let them look around at the video games, and said maybe next time we come we will put a couple of dollars in.  They seemed happier after that.  We left and went to redeem their birthday cards from America First Credit Union to use at Chick-fil-a.  They each got a free chicken tenders kids meal.  Matt and I got Panda Express.  We let the girls get a Redbox movie (Ice Age 4) to watch together while Matt and I got caught up on The Big Bang Theory.  It was a really good day.  We had a lot of fun!

Impromptu mini healing session

I have been just feeling like crap lately.  The past couple of weeks anyways.  Last Wednesday and Thursday were the worst days out of the couple of weeks.  I spent a lot of the day Wednesday crying, and even more of Thursday crying.  I didn't want to bother my friends Allyson, and Stephanie at gymnastics, so I tried to go with a positive attitude.  Hoping that they wouldn't notice that I wasn't OK.  Allyson and Stephanie are both energy healers, and so they spend a lot of the time talking about their sessions that they have done.  I was OK with that.  I didn't really have a lot to say since I'm not and energy healer.  Then the last 15 minutes Allyson turns to me and says "so enough about us how are you doing Karen?" She totally caught me off guard.  I looked into her eyes and I just knew she knew that I wasn't feeling good.  I just shook my head and started to cry.

I told her what was going on.  The main thing I was feeling was that I didn't feel appreciated for the things I do for others.  I tend to get attached to my family and friends.  I get excited about the things they do, and want to help promote it.  My good friend Becca has written two books.  They have really done well.  I wanted to help her in some way.  I shared on facebook her books, and talked them up.  She is in the middle of a blog tour with her book so that has kept her busy.  She is just busy and I know that.  The thing that was really bothering me is that she wasn't answering my texts.  She does this a lot, but it was more than she usually does.  I just started to get bogged down wondering is she was mad at me, wondering if I was being annoying, wondering if I was even her friend.  I know that is ridiculous to even think, but that is just who I am.  I am a sensitive person.  I wasn't feeling appreciated or acknowledged.  I felt pushed aside like garbage, like I didn't matter.

Then the whole incident with Lisa at my crossing last Monday.  Again I felt stupid, pushed into the background like I didn't even matter.  I have had that happen a lot.  I don't like it.  I also got a call from my Mom telling me that she was going to go visit my Sister Kate. May 4th - 11th.  She was letting me know that she wanted to celebrate my birthday which is the 11th on the 12th.  I kind of detached from the conversation because I was upset because I thought I heard she wasn't going to be back until the 12th.  Matt had already arranged for my Mom to watch the girls on my birthday so he could take me to a piano guys concert.  We've had it planned for 2 months.  Again I felt like I didn't matter, and that I was garbage.    Also I have been feeling like I didn't belong anywhere either.  It's not a good feeling to have.  I told Allyson all about what had been going on.

This is when the impromptu mini healing session started.  Allyson tested my energy to see if I needed any oils.  My energy was saying that I needed some Lemon.  She had some in her purse and gave me a couple of drops to rub on me.  Then she pulled her affirmation cards out of her purse and had me go through them and pull out the ones that really popped out at me.  I pulled out a lot.  Then I was to turn them over and read out loud what each card said.  After I finished Allyson asked me how I was feeling about my body.  I broke down crying again and said awful.  She knew it because I drew out 3 affirmation cards dealing with my body appearance, and health.  I can't remember what all of them said.  I know there was one about forgiving myself.

Stephanie asked me if she could ask me a question.  She told me that I didn't have to answer if I didn't want too.  I said sure.  So she asked why I would need to forgive myself?  I didn't know.  Allyson eventually figured out that my issues were all about self worth.  Allyson tried to clear the issues.  My energy was resisting and wanted Allyson to do a timeline of my self worth issues.  She told me that I had issues every other year starting with the year I was born.  Then she was able to clear it.  Allyson was also able to tell me that it was a generational issue on my mom's side that I had inherited.  I can't remember how many lines back.  Allyson was able to clear that too.

We talked more about my weight issues.  Stephanie was amazed that  I had lost 67 lbs. and that I had kept it off.  The weight has slowly started to come back on though.  It's frustrating.  Stephanie asked me if I had always been heavy, if I had always struggled with my weight.  I replied saying that I started to get heavy in about 4th or 5th grade.  I had another memory pop into my mind this past week.  I was stressing about classroom placement for McKenzie and Madisynn.  I was worried about what teacher they would get.  I had a bad experience in 2nd grade.  My teacher was very mean, and she didn't care if she hurt your feelings, embarrassed you.  My experience was sad.  Imagine in your mind 3 2nd grade class rooms combining together to watch reading rainbow.  The lights are off, the opening song on the show starts.  I start to whistle quietly along with it.  My teacher yells out who is yelling?  I slowly raised my hand.  She yells at me to go out in the hall.  Then she comes out and yells at me some more.  I stood there and cried.  I think she had me stand out there during the whole show.  I pretty much have blocked out that whole year.  I think that is where a lot of my issues started.  I was already shy, but I think that situation made it worse.

I can't remember what Stephanie said exactly, but I think it was somewhere along the lines of I was feeling like it wasn't OK to shine and be me.  It wasn't OK to have attention.  Some pretty sad self worth issues.  Allyson told me that I needed to go back from my other healing sessions with her and say the affirmations that were on them.  I told her that I was already doing that every day.  I knew they weren't helping me because I hadn't been feeling it.  I was vibrating at a 1.  Of course they weren't helping me.  Allyson asked me if it was starting to feel like it was a routine, like i had to do it?  I said it was feeling that way.  She then told me that she had been doing I Am statements.  She says I Am statements are pretty powerful.  So she suggested that I start repeating I Am statements out loud.  Do that and write in my gratitude journal each day.

Allyson was able to get me vibrating at a 7.  I felt so much better.  I really felt as though a load had been lifted off of my shoulders.  We got all of the negative energy that was clinging to me from other people off of me.  I was instructed that I should do the aura fluff, and the zip up daily to protect myself from other people clinging to me.  As we were walking out to our vehicles I said thank you.  I told Allyson that I didn't want to intrude and ask for help.  That I had promised myself that I wasn't going to bring up my problems.  I told her that she knew me too well, and that she could read me like a book.  She told me that she knew I wasn't feeling good the second she saw me.  She said she could see it in my eyes.  I'm glad I have a friend that knows me so well, and is bossy in a good way to get me to talk.

Since Thursday I have been saying I Am statements, and writing down things that I am thankful for.  I am also looking for uplifting quotes and sayings that can help me.  I found a quote a little while ago that had resonated with me.  I was glad to find it as I was flipping through my journal of quotes.
I am a shining star, and I surround myself with people who encourage my brightness. - Cheryl Richardson
It is OK for me to shine.  I am shining.
I have been doing the Aura fluff, and zip up.  That seems to help.  I have tried to avoid facebook well the computer as much as I can each day.  I really get bogged down, and start to feel worse about myself when I'm on there for long periods of time.  My Mom gets back into town on my birthday.  She will be able to watch the girls.  Hooray!  I have talked with my friend Becca, and I feel better about the whole situation.  She is just busy.  I can't let it get to me.  I don't like that I had let my energy get down, and that I was attracting these bad situations, or problems.

I'm a sensitive person who tends to take on other people's problems, stress, worries. Yes welcome to my world.  It's full of emotion and it is exhausting.  Allyson keeps telling me that me being sensitive is a gift.  I just need to learn how to use my gift without taking the problems onto my own shoulders.  I'm working on that. Really I am.

Going private

I decided to make my blog private, because I decided their is just some things I didn't want everyone to read.  I felt like I couldn't really write what was on my mind.  I think that is pretty sad.  This is my journal, I should be able to feel like I can write whatever I am feeling and not feel bad about it.  Another reason why I chose to make my blog private was I'm trying to move on in my life.  Let go of the past.  It's been very difficult for me.

I had a really close friend from our days at Travis AFB in California, when Matt was in the military.  Her name is Heather Bryant.  We are no longer friends, and we probably never will be friends again in this lifetime.  Heather was the first friend I made when we moved to California.  I had noticed her right off  because she was pregnant.  After a few Sundays of going to church I wanted to talk to her, but I was scared.  Making friends has always been difficult for me.  I am an introvert, and it's just way out of my comfort zone to start talking to people I don't know.

I can't remember if it was in Relief Society on a Sunday, or at a Relief Society activity where we happened to just be in the same group.  It was probably an activity.  Anyways we started talking, and I found out that she was very close to having her 3rd child, and  that her husband was deployed.  I don't remember anything else about it, but I felt like we clicked.  I remember thinking she would be fun to get to know better.  I was lonely, and needed a friend.

I think it was the next week when she called me up and asked me if I would watch her 2 kids Maddalin and Billy while she went to her OB appointment.  I told her I could and she dropped off her kiddos.  After that day we became fast friends.  We started talking more, and hanging out more.  I helped her a lot with her kids and so did Matt.  He helped do things that her husband Adam would have done if he had been home.  We got so close that her kids well Billy started calling Matt Dad.  We always corrected him when that happend.

Anyways we did almost everything together for about 2 years.  She was even in the delivery room helping Matt and I when I gave birh to McKenzie.  She threw me an awesome baby shower right before.  She spoiled me.  She was my soul sister.  I would do anything for her.  Then back in 2009 I read a post on myspace, or facebook, can't remember which one saying that they were leaving the church.  My stomach dropped.  I can't remember the exact reason that they decided to leave, I just know it had something to do with Joseph Smith.  Adam was asked to speak in Church and they assinged him a certain topic.  He researched it and talked to heather and they decided to leave the church over it.  I don't even want to know the exact reason, because I know that the Church is true no matter what.  I don't want to have any questions in my mind about it at all.  That's probably why I didn't read or listen as closely as I should have.

So when I read her post about leaving the church I called her up to see what had happened.  That I would support her decision, and love them no matter what.  She was relieved to hear that.  Then that night when I went to bed I couldn't sleep.  I was worried about the decision Heather and Adam had made to leave the Church.  I had to do something to see if I could change their mind.  So bright and early I sent an email with my testimony.  It didn't go well.  We started having less to do with each other.  I think that I would have kept up on it more, but 2009 was the year that I had set a goal to lose all of my weight.

I was so focused on exercising and eating right that I didn't really talk to her.  It wasn't until after I had reached my goal weight that I read a post on her facebook page about her giving away her temple clothes and how she should do it.  I commented on it saying that she could mail them to me and I would take care of them for her, so she wouldn't have to worry.  She didn't reply back.  Then shorly after I went to check up on her and I was no longer friends with her on facebook.  I thought it was odd and a mistake.  I instantly sent her a friend request, and an email .  She ignored the friend request and email right away.  I felt like someone had punched me in the gut and knocked the wind out of me.  It hurt bad, real bad.

I shed a lot of tears over heather and her family for a few months.  I even had my Brother Quinn give me a blessing.  I was told to focus on the people that were in my life now.  That was hard to do.  I hold on to the past.  I have sent a few emails over the past couple of years.  Telling her that I was sorry, that I hoped they were well, thanking her for her friendship and all that she had done for me, wishing her a happy birthday, and merry Christmas.  Not once did I ever get a reply back.  There was a punch to the gut each time I wrote.  I would shed a lot of tears each time too.  The hardest part is that we have the same friends on facebook.  She will comment here and there, and each time I see it I feel like my heart is being ripped out of  my chest.  Another hard thing is that she reads my blog, and has my blog linked to her blog.  How I know this is I had live feed jet and I could tell when she visited my blog.  Then I would click on the link on the feed jet to her blog and start reading.  My blog was on her blog.  Again my heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest each time I saw that she had visited my blog, and then me going to hers and reading what was going on in her life and that I wasn't a part of it.

I was getting sick of it.  Something had to change.  I wasn't sure if I was ready to move forward quite yet.  It wasn't until Matt did something, and I found out something from my friend Allyson. First Matt sent Adam a friend request on facebook.  Adam accepted it.  Matt was thrilled that he had.  He told me right away when adam had accepted it.  I said hey maybe you should try adding Heather again.  She shouldn't have any beef with you.  So Matt did. This same day Allyson came to our house with her daughter Peyton to have a play date.  I found out that she was pregnant and about 3 months along.  I knew that this wasn't what Allyson wanted.  Her youngest is Peyton, and she is Maddie's age.  almost 7.  She was done having kids.  We talked about this for awhile.  Right now Allyson's family is living in the basement of  her husbands parents house.  It is cramped.  They have nothing for a baby.  She just started doing energy work.  She was worried about where they would be living, how she would still do sessions with a baby, and a lot of other things.

The next morning was when I found out that Heather had denied Matt's friend request, saying she didn't know him.  Because she did that it blocked Matt from being able to add friends for a week or so.  It really made him feel bad.  She really shouldn't have any problems with Matt.  He didn't do anything or say anything to her trying to get her to change her mind about leaving the church.  I was mad.  I knew that I was done, and it was time to let it go and move on.  I found a quote this same day that really helped me realize it even more.

I am excited to share the things I no longer love or need with people who will love or need them more.
- Cheryl Richarson
I had gotten rid of all of our baby stuff a couple of months ago.  The only thing we had left was the nice port a crib that Heather had given us at McKenzie's baby shower.  I was holding on to it because it was the only physical connection I had left with her.  It wasn't doing me any good keeping a hold of it.  I had this idea pop into my head that I should give it to Allyson.  They had nothing for their baby, they were just going to put the baby in a laundry basket to sleep.  I didn't want them doing that when we had this nice port a crib sitting here not being used.  I talked to Matt and told him my idea.  I told him that it wouldn't mean that we were done having kids because we had gotten rid of everything.  He was good with what I had to say and agreed that we should give the crib to Allyson.

I spent the next day cleaning it and getting ready to give to her at gymnastics that night.  I was so excited to give it to her, and see her reaction, and to move on in my life away from Heather.   I had posted the above quote on facebook and said that I had a friend that could use something that I had that I no longer loved or needed.  After gymnastics I told Allyson that I had something in my car for her.  She perked right up and said "oh am I the friend?!"  I laughed, and said so you saw the post then!  She was so grateful when I gave it to her.  I told her that I was trying to move on and away from Heather.  I told her that the crib was the last thing really connecting me to her.  Allyson has heard about Heather before so she knew who I was talking about.  She asked me if I wanted the crib back when she was done with it.  I teared up and said no.  I'm done. I'm tired of worrying about if we will ever be friends again, worrying about her and her family. Trying so hard to be connected.  I'm done.  It felt good to say that.

That night I made my blog private.  Heather has no connection to me, and I have none to her.  I don't know her blog address so I'm not tempted to go and look.  If we are meant to be in each other's lives as friends again it will happen when it is time.  Not holding my breath.  I'm just happy to move on and be free.