I'm sorry I just need to get it out of my system. I'm just really upset with myself. I'm mad because I'm not happy with how my body looks. I'm mad because I've gained almost all of the weight back that I worked so hard to loose a few years ago. I'm mad because I love food and sweets to much. I'm mad because I just can't seem to control it, and tell myself NO. I'm mad because food and sweets is my drug. I must have it. I feel out of control. =( I hate that I can't seem to make myself get up in the morning anymore like I used too to exercise. I'm mad because Matt is on graves. It's not his fault that I can't seem to get up. I'm not blaming him either. It was just so much easier when he was on days to get up in the morning when he woke up to get up and exercise. I know your probably thinking well get up and exercise when he gets home. That's what I'm trying to do. It's just hard because he gets home at 7 or 7:30 and I don't want to make a lot of noise. I want the girls to sleep as long as possible. I don't like to exercise with them in the way. I can't seem to get a good enough workout when they are in my way. Also I'm with the kids all day trying to keep them entertained so that Matt can get some good sleep. Then at night after he leaves for work at ten, and the girls are in bed, I have time for myself to unwind. I just need time to myself, so I take advantage of it and stay up late. Then I have to go to bed without Matt, and it's hard. I'm adjusting to him working graves, but it still sucks!
Next I'm upset with myself because all I feel like I've done lately is yell at my kids. Today seriously that's all I've done. So it makes me feel worse about myself. I pray for patience everyday, and you know what happens when you do that. I should stop doing that, but I don't want to. I really want to be patient with my children. I want them to learn, and understand. It's just so frustrating. I love my kids so much! I'm glad I have them! It's just lately it so hard, and I don't know why. I need some time to myself without kids. I feel guilty because I want to go have girls nights out once in awhile, but I also want to have time with Matt. Our only open night is Saturday. I wish that we could have Friday and Saturday nights open like in the past, then I could do something with him, and then I could get out by myself, or with some friends. I guess sometimes you can't have it your way every time right?
So I have options here don't I? I could just continue to sit here and wallow in my anger, or I could do something about it. I really don't want to sit here and wallow in anger. So my choice is made, I want to do something about it. I just need some good ideas on how to say no to myself, or my inner voice that keeps tempting me. I just need advice! Please help! Thanks for listening to my rant session. =) I feel better now that I've got it out in the open. I don't want to struggle with this anymore.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Rant session
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5 comments:
Karen,, You read my mind I go through the same things all the time, maybe we need a real girls night. I pray for patients every night and I feel guilty because I have to repent every night, for not having enough. My onl suggestion is Drugs. call me sometime and we will have a vent fest.
Oh I so hear you!! First I am blaming my weight on gas prices since everything else is. As far as yelling at your kids...we all have those days. I have had that summer!! Girls nights and friends are so important. We as Moms need them!! Let yourself have them. They somehow just give you a boost. Hang in there!!!
Cami
Plan a girls night like we used to do, even if you have to ask your mom to stay with the girls, I think she'll understand having been a mom herself. - The food thing, I find that if I have apples on the counter or something like that I am less likely to go routing for junk, plus I try to limit the snacks I buy, they get expensive anyway. Of course somedays you just need that chocolate and pepsi, have a little stash somewhere that you don't see it and when you absolutely need it have it as a treat. :) Good luck. I know when I go on girls night I yell at my kids a ton less because I have had time to talk to others besides kids. :)
I'm sorry! I struggle with the sweets/exercise thing too! It's like you know you want to lose weight but it is hard to connect that with the actual diet and exercise. It's tough and it takes a lot of discipline. Not fun. Maybe you could go on a walk in the morning while the girls are still asleep! Just a suggestion. Hang in there!
OH Karen, Karen, Karen. I know exactly how hard it is to exercise. On my mission I tried to do it every day and it only really worked 'cause of tracting. Now that I'm back for going on almost 8 years I've gained it all back and then some. I went from size 38 to 34 on my mission to now 40 or 42 pant size. YUCK !!
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