I will remember you

I can't believe it's been 5 years today since my Dad died.  Each year gets easier.  I still have my moments where I just break down and cry.  I really miss my dad.  It's hard when something important happens in any of our families lives, and he isn't there.  I know that he is there spiritually, but it's hard not having him here physically.  I pray and hope that he is remembering us.  I have no idea how he is feeling on the other side. I'm sure it's hard for him looking down on us and seeing our pain and frustrations because of his actions.  I'm sure he is full of regrets, and wishes that he would have done things differently, so he could be with us today.  We can't judge him for killing himself, he wasn't in his right mindset.  It's just so sad that he wasn't in his right mindset.  What's even more frustrating for me is that I had no idea that he wasn't in his right mindset until it was too late.  I always think back to my last phone conversation I had with him.  I wish I would have asked him what he needed, instead of what I needed.  So selfish.  I try not to beat myself up. 

I think of this saying:

We should all do good to remember this.  You never know!  Treat them as if it were there last day here on earth each and everyday that you see them or talk to them.  

In the past couple of years I have dreamed of my Dad once.  I can't really remember the dream to well, and I'm not sure I wrote it down.  I just remember that he was wearing a tuxedo, and he was smiling.  I ran to him and we hugged and hugged, and than I just sobbed.  I woke up crying. It was comforting to know that he seemed happy. 

Then one night a couple of months ago I was getting ready for bed.  I was putting lotion on my feet, and for some reason I started to think about him.  I said my prayer, and just as I was getting ready to lie down I thought I heard my Dad say my name.  I don't know, but it sure sounded like him.  I started to sob again.   I really hope it did happen.  I would love to be able to have a conversation with him and remember it.

It's so hard to see my Mom without him.  It's hard to see her sad and lonely.  It's hard to see her be upset with him when she is really struggling with something that he always took care of.  It's just hard to lose a loved one.

  Anyways Dad I will always remember you! I will remember the life lessons you taught us kids.  I will remember the many vacations you took us on.  I will remember the many crazy fun things you wanted to try and did do.  I will remember how good you treated McKenzie when we visited.  I will remember you whenever I blow out birthday candles.  I will remember you whenever I see a wheelbarrow.  I will remember you whenever I exercise.  I will remember you whenever I see a water slide.  I will remember you whenever I see a Buick.  I will remember you when I see a rat.  I will remember you when I see a beagle.  I will remember you when I see a goat.  I could go on and on.   I will remember and cherish all of the memories I have of you.  Thank you for being a good father.  I love you, and miss you so!

Some pictures of my Dad: